Assumptions are funny little things. And by "funny" I actually mean "odd." Sometimes they really are funny, and sometimes they are just tragic. Either way, they are caused by a person not having all (or any) of the information. It can happen with any group of people in any situation. Today I will cover some assumptions/misconceptions I've heard or come across regarding people who are not coupled (married or in a serious/exclusive/committed relationship). I will list them with numbers to make them easier to read, but they are in no particular order.
1. "If a person is single, it must be because they are socially inept." This is also known as "they are single for a reason." I've heard this most regarding people who are older and single, especially if they are older and not married. While some singles may also have some social difficulties, have some annoying personality trait, etc., this is not true in every case. Personality traits and other characteristics are on a spectrum or a sliding scale. Some people may be single and have issues in a certain area; some people may be married and have issues in the same area. Or it could be the other way around.
2. "Single women are single because they choose career over marriage." Okay, I don't even know which fallacy to start with in this statement. First, it's the implied "all" that makes this statement a misconception. Some single women may, indeed, rather have a career than a marriage. But plenty want both. And some want marriage but have just a job/career because it just hasn't happened yet. In many cases, it wasn't a situation where the woman received a marriage proposal and thought to herself, "Gee, if I accept this proposal and get married, I won't be able to travel as much (or whatever it is that marriage would get in the way of) and advance in my career. So I'd better say no." For me, I just haven't experienced a deep enough relationship yet. If I get married, it will be to a person I actually want to be with forever. And so I work to support myself since I like being able to eat food and pay my bills. Also: why is it that single "career" women "must not want a family" but single "career" men are never mentioned in this context? I'll let you come up with your own answers to that question. But it does lead me to my next point.
3. "Unmarried men just refuse to settle down." "They don't want to give up their freedom and are irresponsible." And I'm sure you've heard several other versions of this one, especially in certain cultures/subcultures. Why do people assume that a man wouldn't like a relationship as much as a woman would? Or, more simply: Why do people assume that a man wouldn't like a relationship? People: A person's marital status does not tell you their complete personal history, plans, motivations, or anything else. All it tells you is their marital status. And this pertains to all of these misconceptions, too. Actually, it pertains to everything. I mean, replace the words "marital status" with any characteristic. A person's race tells you little to nothing about their personality. A person's religion might tell you a little about their motivations, but that's about it. Knowing a person's favorite color doesn't mean you know their favorite book. It's a very simple concept, actually.
4. "Single women are weak/clueless/easy targets." Some may be, or think they are. But the majority? HA! How can a person who, due to circumstances, must resort to taking care of things themselves not know how to take care of things themselves? I also find it slightly humorous that so many people don't think a person who doesn't have someone else to rely on for protection doesn't know at least a little bit about protecting themselves. If married people can know things about budgeting, plumbing, assembling, cleaning, self-defense, and so on, then single people can know those things, too.
5. "Single people, especially men, just live on pizza and cold cereal." Um. It just depends on the person. I know great cooks who are married, and I know great cooks who are single. I also know people in both categories don't do much cooking. That's all I'm going to say. Just please use your logic before you say something like this out loud. Please.
6. "Single people have more free time." I would guess that amount of free time has less to do with marital status and more to do with number of children. Also take into account work demands. AND, single people (unless they hire someone) don't have anyone else to contribute to shopping, house cleaning, and other responsibilities like that. There are a lot of factors to consider that have very little to do with whether a person is married or not.
7. "If a person is single, it means that they haven't grown up yet and/or are unwilling to." This statement is similar to the one addressed in number 3, but this one refers more to level of maturity than willingness to "settle down." Also, this one has more often been an attitude I've sensed than something people actually say. I have heard actual statements that come close, though. Again, maturity is individual. Though I have experienced single people with (seemingly) a less than desirable maturity level, marriage doesn't automatically make a person grow up. This is a fact.
8. "Married people and single people don't socialize with each other." Not true. Some people choose not to socialize (much) with people from the other category. However, I am friends with many wonderful people who are married. My married friends are just as great to "hang out" with as my single friends are. The only difficulty I've run into is scheduling. Often, I get home from work, eat dinner, then am ready to socialize around 7:00 or 8:00. This happens to be a popular time to put kids down for bed. So, with my friends (married or single) who have children, spending time with them just takes a little more planning than with single friends who can often be ready to do something at a moment's notice. Similarly, married friends might have plans with their spouse to consider. So, I either spend time with both people (or the whole family) or otherwise make sure to schedule ahead with my "main" friend. Again, it just takes a little more planning. But it can be done. I've never been on the other side of things, but I sure do appreciate any friend making time for me and spending time with me.
So, these are my views on some of the more common misconceptions I've felt or heard during my twelve or so years of being a single adult. Did I miss any? Would you add any? Do you have additional or other opinions?
1. "If a person is single, it must be because they are socially inept." This is also known as "they are single for a reason." I've heard this most regarding people who are older and single, especially if they are older and not married. While some singles may also have some social difficulties, have some annoying personality trait, etc., this is not true in every case. Personality traits and other characteristics are on a spectrum or a sliding scale. Some people may be single and have issues in a certain area; some people may be married and have issues in the same area. Or it could be the other way around.
2. "Single women are single because they choose career over marriage." Okay, I don't even know which fallacy to start with in this statement. First, it's the implied "all" that makes this statement a misconception. Some single women may, indeed, rather have a career than a marriage. But plenty want both. And some want marriage but have just a job/career because it just hasn't happened yet. In many cases, it wasn't a situation where the woman received a marriage proposal and thought to herself, "Gee, if I accept this proposal and get married, I won't be able to travel as much (or whatever it is that marriage would get in the way of) and advance in my career. So I'd better say no." For me, I just haven't experienced a deep enough relationship yet. If I get married, it will be to a person I actually want to be with forever. And so I work to support myself since I like being able to eat food and pay my bills. Also: why is it that single "career" women "must not want a family" but single "career" men are never mentioned in this context? I'll let you come up with your own answers to that question. But it does lead me to my next point.
3. "Unmarried men just refuse to settle down." "They don't want to give up their freedom and are irresponsible." And I'm sure you've heard several other versions of this one, especially in certain cultures/subcultures. Why do people assume that a man wouldn't like a relationship as much as a woman would? Or, more simply: Why do people assume that a man wouldn't like a relationship? People: A person's marital status does not tell you their complete personal history, plans, motivations, or anything else. All it tells you is their marital status. And this pertains to all of these misconceptions, too. Actually, it pertains to everything. I mean, replace the words "marital status" with any characteristic. A person's race tells you little to nothing about their personality. A person's religion might tell you a little about their motivations, but that's about it. Knowing a person's favorite color doesn't mean you know their favorite book. It's a very simple concept, actually.
4. "Single women are weak/clueless/easy targets." Some may be, or think they are. But the majority? HA! How can a person who, due to circumstances, must resort to taking care of things themselves not know how to take care of things themselves? I also find it slightly humorous that so many people don't think a person who doesn't have someone else to rely on for protection doesn't know at least a little bit about protecting themselves. If married people can know things about budgeting, plumbing, assembling, cleaning, self-defense, and so on, then single people can know those things, too.
5. "Single people, especially men, just live on pizza and cold cereal." Um. It just depends on the person. I know great cooks who are married, and I know great cooks who are single. I also know people in both categories don't do much cooking. That's all I'm going to say. Just please use your logic before you say something like this out loud. Please.
6. "Single people have more free time." I would guess that amount of free time has less to do with marital status and more to do with number of children. Also take into account work demands. AND, single people (unless they hire someone) don't have anyone else to contribute to shopping, house cleaning, and other responsibilities like that. There are a lot of factors to consider that have very little to do with whether a person is married or not.
7. "If a person is single, it means that they haven't grown up yet and/or are unwilling to." This statement is similar to the one addressed in number 3, but this one refers more to level of maturity than willingness to "settle down." Also, this one has more often been an attitude I've sensed than something people actually say. I have heard actual statements that come close, though. Again, maturity is individual. Though I have experienced single people with (seemingly) a less than desirable maturity level, marriage doesn't automatically make a person grow up. This is a fact.
8. "Married people and single people don't socialize with each other." Not true. Some people choose not to socialize (much) with people from the other category. However, I am friends with many wonderful people who are married. My married friends are just as great to "hang out" with as my single friends are. The only difficulty I've run into is scheduling. Often, I get home from work, eat dinner, then am ready to socialize around 7:00 or 8:00. This happens to be a popular time to put kids down for bed. So, with my friends (married or single) who have children, spending time with them just takes a little more planning than with single friends who can often be ready to do something at a moment's notice. Similarly, married friends might have plans with their spouse to consider. So, I either spend time with both people (or the whole family) or otherwise make sure to schedule ahead with my "main" friend. Again, it just takes a little more planning. But it can be done. I've never been on the other side of things, but I sure do appreciate any friend making time for me and spending time with me.
So, these are my views on some of the more common misconceptions I've felt or heard during my twelve or so years of being a single adult. Did I miss any? Would you add any? Do you have additional or other opinions?